The word adolescence conjures up all kinds of images, most of which are not pretty. Adolescence has been the subject of numerous books, movies, upsets and anguish. No one emerges from adolescence unscathed or unscarred, and most people don’t tend to see their own adolescence as an adventure or a wonderful time in their lives, nor do they see it that way for their children. Whether you have raised, are raising, or will be raising a teenager, you have been through adolescence yourself and therefore can relate, in some way or form, to this topic. I chose to write about this topic because after doing the teleseminar on Adolescence: The Joys and the Challenges, I realized in a very powerful way how much of our lives are connected to the most dramatic, overwhelming, and sometimes even exciting moment of life. our lives.
Adolescence is a time full of potential, possibilities, hopes, fantasies, tensions, uncertainties, and a lot of drama. We are learning about ourselves and our world in ways that really boggle the mind.
Experts write about today’s adolescence as an “adventure.” All of us alive today have survived the adventure of adolescence and the trials and tribulations that came with it. Today, for anyone raising a teenager, or a child-to-be-adolescent, those feelings from yesteryear return to haunt, inspire, and/or challenge us. The choice of how your adolescence will affect you today is ultimately yours! Do you want to learn from your past and honor the experiences and lessons, or do you want to hide from them, or keep your past as a rite of passage that because you went through hell, your child should too?
As I said in the seminar on Thursday, “the only thing more difficult than being a teenager is being a parent of one.” This statement is true on many levels, because in many ways we relive those years and want our children to benefit from what we have experienced. We want to spare you some of the fears, uncertainties, and pains we endure or inflict on others, so that your teenage years can be better. What if you knew and admitted that this is a pipe dream? What if you knew and admitted that you have no power to prevent your child from having challenges and difficulties? What if you knew and admitted that no matter how strong you have become, often as a result of your teenage experiences, putting your child through the same thing, just because you did, or avoiding experiences similar to yours? , would not necessarily benefit the she?
Every generation faces the same fears for their children because all parents can tell that things are very different now than they were when they were teenagers. Teenagers will always say that their parents can’t understand them because times are so different and children are different. Will Rogers was quoted as saying that when he was 17, he couldn’t understand how his parents survived so long, being as stupid as they were, and when he was 21 he remarked how much his parents had learned in 4 short years. . . He really brings home the fact that no matter how much things change, some things always stay the same. Teenagers are going through a tumultuous time physically, mentally, and emotionally. It has been documented through PET scans that the adolescent brain is changing just as much during these years as it did during the first three years of their lives. While your teen may look and often act like they are on the verge of adulthood, they are still growing and developing, and will periodically do things that show their lack of judgment, maturity, or understanding of the laws of cause and effect. This is when it comes in handy to remember the phrase my friend’s mom always uses: “They’re not soup yet.” No, they are not, but they must be treated with the same consideration and respect that we have for other human beings.
This is often difficult because our teens do so many things that trigger our frustration, anger, fear, and uncertainty, and when we feel these negative feelings, it is very difficult to respond to the situation with respect, love, and compassion. This, however, is the challenge and hopefully the goal of every adult who interacts with a teenager. It is when we feel these negative feelings arise that we most need to “STOP! BREATHE! FOCUS!”; as well as remember to ask ourselves: What is my desired result? What choices, freedoms, and/or personal expression were offered to you as a child? Did he feel accepted for who he was, or did he feel judged, criticized, diminished if he disagreed with his parents? Are these the patterns you want to continue in your life going forward, or are you willing to focus on other ways, ways that your inner voice can be heard, and how you might allow your teen’s voice to be heard as well? If you’ve already raised your adolescent child, and are reflecting on how you reacted then, and think you would do a different job now, it could be very helpful, for both of you, if you could discuss it with your ‘adult child’ now.
In the past, I’ve written about “being enough” as well as “anger and forgiveness,” and this topic touches on these issues as well. I am not asking you to reflect to punish yourself, but to realize that life is a journey, and while we are alive, there are opportunities to repair relationships and make positive changes in the way we think and act.
As parents, I believe there are 5 goals or desired outcomes in our relationships with our teens. These goals are also essential to establish a new and different relationship with yourself. After all, we first have to learn to love, accept, and respect ourselves before we can fully offer those same gifts to anyone else.
GOALS:
I speak to my children (and myself) with respect, compassion, and understanding.
I show genuine interest in my teen’s life (even when they act like they don’t want me to)
I encourage my child to think independently and express himself openly and honestly
and with respect
I provide a stable environment in which we can all learn and grow.
I assert my control by setting limits and consequences, not withholding or withdrawing
my love or guilt inducing.
I leave you with the words of Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn from their book, Everyday Blessings:
“…ultimately, each child has to find their own way. When a child, regardless of age, feels our acceptance, when they feel our love, not just because of their attractiveness and kindness, they are easy to get along with.” , but also because of his difficult, repulsive, infuriating self, it feeds him and frees him to become more balanced and complete… children can face all kinds of difficulties and challenges if they can return to the well of our unconditional love. it is in our honor of themselves that inner growth and healing take place.”
May we all enjoy the adventure and discover that there are blessings in our experiences, not just gray hair.
