Although most of us make mistakes in thought or behavior from time to time, CHPs (Chronically Injurious People) use them regularly as a matter of course. All thought/behavior errors fail to demonstrate responsible thinking, that is, thinking that includes awareness and consideration for self, other, and the context in which a transaction or behavior takes place.
One of these mistakes that has a particular potential for harm is blaming. Blaming is what people do when they don’t take responsibility for their own reaction to events and pass it on responsibly to others. The one who blames feels justified by the treatment he gives to the guilty. Once an issue or problem is “someone else’s fault,” the accuser excuses himself from the repercussions of his own behavior. “She deserved it”, “She deserved it”, “What do you expect? It’s their fault”.
People who blame others see themselves as victims of what happens that they don’t like. In the “victim” position, one never has to see the world through another’s eyes. The person who is trapped in victim thinking sees himself as innocent and everyone else as guilty, regardless of the circumstances. Once blame is justified, these people do not feel remorse or regret for what they have done after receiving some insult or injury.
The guilty may, by blaming, hurt others emotionally, mentally, or physically. They don’t care, or even think about it, as they see others as serving as punishment. Everyday examples of blaming create big or small problems for those who are blamed. Often the culprits have done little (or nothing) to contribute to the problem.
Example 1: Ralph, an executive at a large company, was furious and fired his secretary because she provided him with a partial file for a meeting. This secretary had been handling her workload competently for over two years, and this was her first time. mistake.
Secretary: “I’m so sorry. I’ll make it up to you and make sure it never happens again. I know you like to have your entire file for meetings and I’ll check it every time from now on to make sure you have them.”
Ralph: “You’ve ruined my whole day. You’re a stupid, incompetent jerk. You’re so lucky I fired you and didn’t tell all the other businesses how impossible it is to work with you.”
Prior to this incident, Ralph had blamed this woman for her coffee being too hot and burning her tongue, and failing to remind her of her dentist appointment when it was never her job to do so.
Example 2: Georgia, a small business owner, was significantly late, now for the fourth time, for her appointment with her accountant.
Georgia: “I’m going to strangle my kids if they don’t stop fighting every time I need them to clean up their dough. It’s the stress of everything that gets to me. I just have very difficult kids and they don’t appreciate me at all. No wonder they I’ve arrived late “.
On another occasion she said, “Traffic around here is terrible and there’s nowhere to park. Every time I park at a meter, someone bumps into me and dents my car, so I’m forced to walk 3 blocks and use a parking lot.” You need to move your office if you expect me to get here.”
Again he said. “You make this financial stuff so hard to figure out. My head hurts just thinking about my date, and it slows me down all the time.”
Fortunately, the accountant was aware of her and to take care of himself, he scheduled her on days when he could afford to wait for her to show up, while deciding whether or not to keep her as a client.
Example 3: A man hired several people to work for him on a big new house he was building. He underpaid carpenters and painters.
Painter: “You agreed to pay me $1800.00 for this job. You only paid us $700.00. We’re going to have to sue you or take you to small claims court if you don’t pay.”
Owner: “Go ahead. Too bad for you. It’s your problem that you’re not good at negotiating. I’m a busy man and I don’t have time for this nonsense. Go ahead and sue me. My lawyers will make you pay for your inconvenience to me.”
This homeowner found it exciting to get away with stealing from contractors and saw himself as their victim when they spent their valuable time trying to get paid. He considered these things to be his fault for not having been better in business.
Example 4: Wife, crying and screaming: “Stop that. Stop hitting me. That hurts. Stop it!”
Husband: “I can’t stand this. If you didn’t overcook the vegetables every damn night, I wouldn’t lose my temper. You can’t seem to handle even the simplest of tasks. You should be glad I don’t.” divorce you You don’t understand my needs at all.
Domestic violence programs are filled with spousal abusers who see themselves as victims of their spouse’s wrongdoing. Things like talking “too long” with friends on the phone, shopping “too much” or making the bed wrong are enough to blame a spouse for his anger.
Example 5: Mom of a 3-year-old: “He’s such a wild kid. If he would just listen to me and pay attention, I wouldn’t have to yell and spank him hard. He’s too stubborn for his own good.
Abusive and blaming parents often grew up with guilt and anger. And if you’re not conscientious enough to get help, you can pass that behavior on to your children in a vicious cycle.
It may be that a legitimate fault can be found in a situation. For example, if someone causes a car accident because they were driving drunk, texting, or putting on makeup, the accident is caused by someone. However, accident victims do not approach the accident responsibly by jumping out of the car, hitting the at-fault driver, and believing they are justified in doing so.
The guilty may act angry and furious, or pitiful and downtrodden, or anything in between. They are dangerous because whatever problem is at hand, it will never be solved by shifting the responsibility for your own feelings onto someone else.
The guilty may “earn” something, such as promotion, wealth, political or social power, or the fearful following of family members. But blaming hurts the guilty themselves, whether they admit it or not. It is particularly so with chronic blamers who do not develop healthy relationships because they do not perceive others as equals in the service of respect. They live in a self-imposed social vacuum where they may have power but are missing some of the most important and valuable aspects of being human, the experience of being part of safe, equal and trusting relationships.
