Plan one or two “icebreakers” for the first day.
We — two brothers, a sister and I arrived at our foster home two weeks before Halloween. On the drive from the orphanage, the social worker stopped to refresh us with a glass of cider. When we expressed interest in them, she bought each of us our choice of Halloween masks, what we then called “fake faces” and a large pumpkin. Being anxious and shy, we asked if we could wear the masks in the house to scare our new adoptive parents. Somehow, without any planning, they and we were suddenly playing hide-and-seek with the masks where, when they found us, we asked them, “Who am I?” and our new foster parents had to name us. If they got our name right, we had to take off our masks. If they didn’t, we could keep wearing our masks and hide again. But that was the last unplanned activity during the first weeks of adjusting to our new home.
Our foster mother had arranged for a boy my age to play with me and my siblings. He and his father arrived with two large boxes of toys and games that kept us entertained until dinnertime when the four of us talked at once (silent at meals was the rule at the orphanage) and ate vigorously. After dinner, during our first family project, we carved a pumpkin on the kitchen table. We loved dipping our hands into the soft center of the pumpkin to remove the pulp and gave our new foster dad lots of advice as he carved the pumpkin. After we all showered (four at a time in a big tub!) and changed into new pajamas, our foster dad placed and lit a candle in the pumpkin he carried into the hallway outside our bedroom. For the first few weeks, the four of us slept together in beds in a single room, after which Janey, the youngest at four years old, was moved into her own room next to our new foster parents.
Introduce children to their new environment through an “Orientation Week”.
Our first week was carefully planned. The morning after we arrived, a Saturday, my new mother accompanied me to a grocery store to buy my first birthday dinner the following Monday. Then we all walked to our new school where we met the art teacher and principal, toured the school, and borrowed books from the library.
For the rest of our orientation week, our after-school activities included a tour of the college campus a few blocks from our house, a visit to the tree nursery where we would develop a large orchard, a tour of the church we would attend. , our first physical by the family doctor, and a visit to the apple farm owned by family friends, where we pick apples and black walnuts. On our second Saturday we all marched to the main street of the city to buy new clothes and shoes and got our first haircut in a real barbershop. These were institutions and activities that would be important in our lives.
Introduce children to the rules, schedules, and routines of their new home and culture during the first week.
Our day began that first week and forever in the kitchen with a tablespoon of cod liver oil washed down with freshly squeezed orange juice, a luxury our adoptive mother considered important to her health. We were given napkins and our own napkin holders, a first for us, and taught how to use them. We were introduced to the schedules and routines of our foster home. Mealtimes, bedtimes, daily bath times, and, when not in school, nap times were set. Each day had its own rhythm. Monday, for example, was laundry day. Tuesday was cleaning day. We spent Sunday mornings at church. Predictable schedules and routines are an important means of restoring physical health and promoting emotional safety to injured children and will contribute to their own mental health.
Involve children early in clearly defined household chores.
Introduce children to household chores during the first month. Every four days was our day. That day we were responsible for setting and clearing the table for dinner and, with the help of mom or dad, doing the dishes for the night. We made our own beds every day and cleaned up our rooms. We participate in lawn care and major cleanup projects, usually family business on Saturdays.
Organize some fun family activities for the first few weeks.
In addition to trips to an apple orchard and tree farm, we enjoyed trips to two state parks in the area for the first few weeks where we were allowed to run freely through the fields and woods, a joy that was not allowed at the orphanage. strictly regulated from which we had come. In today’s world there are many other possibilities for family outings. The important thing is that everyone participates, that the children really enjoy the activity, and especially if they are boys, that the activity is vigorously physical. Provide appropriate sports equipment for children immediately and locate a nearby park or place where they can use it. Use them if you can! More generally, keep them engaged, challenged, and fully engaged whenever possible in creative pursuits.
Involve your extended family and friends.
If you have one within your reach, involve your extended family in your foster project. Just as our adoptive mother became our mother in her language and her actions the afternoon we arrived, our extended family immediately accepted us and would eventually embrace all four of us. They made us feel like we were part of the clan. Also involve your close friends and your communities, religious or not, in the upbringing of children. No child can have too many adults interested in his well-being.
treasures
The children will probably arrive with personal treasures. Mine were a green fountain pen given to me by my biological father the last time I saw him when I was five years old, and a picture of my beloved maternal grandparents.
Help them protect their treasures. They will like you for it. Treasures are an important element to leave the past behind.
Document the first few weeks.
Keep your camera ready and try to spend a few moments in your now very busy lives documenting those early days. They go by fast and they won’t come back. My mother kept a diary during our first ten days together, which is why I can write about our own transition in such detail.
Expect the first few months to be both exciting and exhausting. As the Luches put it in a letter to family and friends, “The first month was a bit rough for the elderly and we suppose even harder for the children.” But a year later, Mom wrote to family and friends again: “Well, we have come to the end of the happiest year of our lives! We never realized how much we were missing until we had the children.”
