I want to get right to the heart of this, because I firmly believe that there is a simple three-step approach that can heal feelings of worthlessness, even if you’ve been overwhelmed by those feelings for many years.
That’s right: a cure.
It may not surprise you to learn that feeling worthless is very common among women. You almost certainly know. In fact, feeling worthless is possibly the most obvious symptom of low self-esteem. But it is also one of the easiest to overcome.
Let me tease you for a moment by making a bold statement about worthlessness. You may want to reject it right away, but I urge you to listen to me at this point because I’m going to show you how to prove this claim is true.
Feelings of worthlessness are entirely subjective. They are all in the mind. They have no basis in reality. They are not a problem that requires “fixing,” and you can choose to stop feeling useless simply by opening your mind.
Fixing your self-esteem as a whole is not that easy, but nevertheless it is a reality for all women.
OK, I know some of you are mad at me right now. You might even want to yell at me “that’s great for you to say that but I’ve felt worthless my whole life and I have no idea how to stop and it’s driving me CRAZY and, and, oh me.” I’m so sick of being ME!”
Whether you’re angry or not, I’d like you to think carefully about what I have to say next. It is about how we can assess the value of something.
What is the easiest to assess?
How about a ten dollar bill, in mint condition, wrinkle free, that has never changed hands?
It’s worth 10 bucks, right? To you, to me, to anyone. Imagine sealing that crisp, newborn ten dollar bill in an airtight container and dropping it in the middle of a deep lake. What is it worth now? Well, it still has an intrinsic value of $10, but to hand it over to a merchant in exchange for some food, you’d have to rent a pretty fancy boat, some fancy detection equipment, and maybe a team of experts. several to recover that box. And that would cost you a lot more than $10.
At the bottom of a lake, your perfect crisp ten dollar bill is worth less than nothing.
What does that have to do with you?
You had some intrinsic value when you were born. Everybody does it. You had the potential ability to make the world a better place, to bring joy and happiness to others, to experience a sense of emotional, spiritual, and physical fulfillment.
That was worth something. Remains. Because you still have a potential ability to do those things.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that scares us the most.
-Marianne Williamson-
But what if you are an exception? What if your parents, the other kids at school, your ex-husband, or the rest of society have gradually robbed you of all that potential value?
Well, they haven’t. I can be sure of that, because it is impossible to take away from a living person the ability to add value to the world.
Only you can remove that value. Only you can decide to hide, feeling empty and alone. Only you can put yourself in the position of a ten dollar bill at the bottom of a lake.
Do you see the power you have, right there in your own hands?
No matter how rough your childhood was, no matter how bad your luck, you can CHOOSE to enrich the world every day simply by the way you interact with others, by the way you make caring choices, and by the way you he feels himself.
If you feel worthless right now, I would like to ask you a question. What proactive steps have you been taking recently to overcome those feelings? Many, many women, when I ask them this question, respond with something like “well, nothing really because I feel stuck in a rut.”
Those women, all of them, are certainly not happy to feel this way. But feeling this way is a habit that has become, almost paradoxically, a source of comfort for them. Because? For one of two reasons:
- Feeling worthless is a safe option because it reduces the amount of pain you suffer when things go wrong. If you already know you’re no good and no one is going to fall for you, give you a job, or even care enough to listen to you, then when a rejection flies your way, which it certainly will. because it happens to all of us, then you are better prepared than most. You can say, “Uh huh, you can’t ruin my life because I already knew this was going to happen; I already knew you didn’t really love/want/value me!”
- Feeling worthless is an easy option; if you’re worthless, there’s no need to try to do well and succeed at the things you care about because it just doesn’t make sense. Also, if you act like your opinions and desires are useless, people will leave you alone. If you say you don’t have any notable skills or talents, then there’s no need to apply them. If you say that you are useless, a hopeless nobody, then people will expect much less of you. And maybe he could get a lot of sympathy and maybe even another person (on a white horse in shining armor) coming to his rescue to fix his life.
Deep down, we all really WANT to feel valued.
But, the hard truth is that we will only feel valued if we are willing to contribute something to the world around us. And whether we contribute something or not is a choice. Our choice.
Some of you may be upset with me right now because you still feel worthless, but you don’t agree that you are choosing the safe and easy options or looking for a sympathy vote. If so, let’s take a look at its logic.
Your annoyance can only be caused by the unfairness of me suggesting that you are choosing the “safe” or “easy” option. You’re telling me “Don’t look down on me. I’m not like that. I’M WORTH MORE THAN THAT!”
Exactly my point! Please remember, it’s not me who doubts your self-esteem, it’s you. All I’m doing is pointing out that if you feel worthless, it simply means you’re not doing as well in the areas that matter to you and therefore you need to invest in your self-esteem. There are no exceptions: if you want to feel like a worthwhile human being, then you have to push yourself like everyone else and never give up.
It is up to you to acknowledge the fact that all human beings are capable of adding value to society, including YOU. As an adult, there are no excuses for saying things like “I’m a worthless, stupid, lazy, ugly, worthless, pathetic, helpless woman” because, as an adult, you now have the choice to be none of these things.
All you have to do is recognize your real value, accept it, and then commit to retaining it and building on it.
George Bernard Shaw once said:
“The people who advance in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they don’t find them, they make them.”
Woolly Thinking in the Self-Esteem Movement
Remember that old adage about the road to an unpleasant place being paved with good intentions? These are just two examples.
- Tea self esteem movement has tried to wrap us all in cotton wool for years in the hope of protecting our precious self-esteem. It is the argument that “self-esteem is our birthright.” Unfortunately, the only people who cling to this argument are people with low self-esteem who have no idea how to make things better or lack the will to do so. The plot seduces them, because it seems to hold out the hope that “someone else” can somehow take responsibility for their lack of self-esteem and magically confer greater self-esteem on them, like a court awarding compensation. Trust me, this won’t happen, and it shouldn’t happen either. If you’ve ever been a bit seduced by this argument, try asking someone who you think has high self-esteem if they think it’s her birthright or if she had to earn it herself. You can guess what she will tell you.
- Tea self esteem movement seems to want us to believe that self-esteem and self-esteem are both “binary”—that is, they exist in only one of two states like a light switch that can be on or off. Either you have self esteem or you don’t. Of course, this fits well with the first point, but it’s just NOT TRUE. Your self-esteem is more like a mosaic, made up of many small pieces, some of which may be damaged or missing to the detriment of the whole. You can make small improvements (small steps, if you like) in one area or multiple areas at the same time. Either way, the overall mosaic will become more defined, stronger, and more attractive.
The best way to go
Fortunately, I feel that the world is beginning to reject the “teachings” of the self esteem movement. His good intentions have not yielded the expected results. There is a much better way to go, and it leads somewhere meaningful. It is a path that anyone can follow if they want. The sign that shows the way is this:
Self-esteem = being well x factor feeling good
The truth of the matter is that NOBODY is useless, but some people are worth more than others.
Of course, it is true that some people are born with physical features that are generally considered more beautiful than the physical features of the average person. Other people are smarter, some are more athletic, but none of this is as important as if you make the most of who you are today and what you have going for you right now. If you do this and keep doing it day after day for the rest of your life, I can guarantee that you will never feel useless again. You’ll be too busy adding value here, there, and everywhere to stop and wallow in self-pity.
Right at the beginning of this article I promised you a cure for futility. Here it is, in three easy steps:
- Recognize your true value writing a list of your strengths, attributes, and the good things you do each day. If you’ve taken the Ultimate Self-Esteem Test, review your Self-Esteem Profile and Recommended Self-Help Programs to remind yourself of your strengths and areas you still need to work on. Take this list as your starting point.
- Commit now to develop your self-esteem and keep adding positive things to your life every day and find it within yourself to remove things from the negative side. Smile more, share more kind thoughts and loving emotions, be curious, optimistic and courageous, work hard and have fun. And reduce the time and energy you spend whining, moaning, or feeling sorry for yourself.
- be your own judge. You know yourself better than anyone and now that you are an adult it is up to you to decide your worth and try to live up to realistic expectations of yourself.
When I was living and working in Australia a few years ago I first heard the expression ‘tall poppy syndrome’. Get the notion that narrow-minded people often like to put down those who strive to get it right because “tall poppies” make weeds look even smaller!
Don’t be afraid to be a tall poppy and enjoy the sun shining down on you.
