When an estranged husband begins to visit, many wives are in high spirits. After all, many of us know wives whose estranged husbands rarely, if ever, call or keep in touch, let alone in person. Most of the time, we try to tell ourselves that the start of his visit is hopefully the first step in him wanting to come home full time.
So when this doesn’t happen, we can feel very frustrated and disillusioned. And we can begin to wonder if he is playing. I might hear a wife say, “I was delighted when my husband started coming home. I thought after a week or two of these visits, he would ask if he could move back in. And I was ready to say yes. I didn’t.” could wait to start over. Unfortunately, this is not what happened. He still comes home fine, but at the end of the visit he will get in his car and drive away. I haven’t confronted him about this yet because I don’t want it to end. But now I’m starting to worry. What if he has no intention of coming home? Why would he continue to visit me (and even have sex with me from time to time) and stop wanting to come home?”
There are a couple of possible reasons I can think of, but of course this can only be speculation because only the husband can tell what she’s thinking. I will list some possibilities below. And you can see if this sounds like a possibility for you.
It’s leaning towards going home. But he’s still not sure and wants to make sure he’s not moving too fast: Very often, the spouse who did not want the separation in the first place is willing to accept their spouse, even if they have not resolved their issues. They’ll take it back any way they can get it. They are not necessarily thinking far ahead. They don’t wonder what will happen when they get home and all the problems come up again.
But that doesn’t mean your husband isn’t thinking about it. She may want to go home. But she’s holding back because he wants to set you up for long-term success. So with each visit, he is watching and evaluating how things are going. And frankly, she would suspect that she’s thinking that things are going well because she keeps coming back, right? If something discouraged him, then he could withdraw from his visits.
Assessing if your intentions are not honorable: I will admit that some wives in this situation worry that their husband is only coming home to have sex or to boost his ego and has no real intention of coming home for a reconciliation. I understand the concern, but you have to be the one to assess this because I can’t see firsthand what’s going on and you know your husband better than anyone.
It makes sense to wonder if he just seems interested in sex and then quickly leaves. Or does he compromise and act carefully out of it and sometimes not even pursue it? In other words, does he seem more interested in connecting or interacting with you outside of physical contact? Do you call and get involved when it’s obvious there can’t be any contact at the time? If he’s calling you to check on you without expecting anything in return and seems genuinely caring on top of his visits, then this is telling.
But if the sex worries you or makes you feel like you’re being taken advantage of, then you can speak gently, making it clear that you’re not bringing it up because you want the visits to end. You just want the visits to be for the right reasons.
Most of the time, I find it very encouraging when an estranged spouse visits regularly and I always encourage people to continue to build on those visits. It’s important to make sure they work out so they keep repeating themselves and become the stepping stones to rebuilding and saving your marriage.
