For years I have longed for the fame, the glamor of being in the spotlight as one of the world’s great inspirational speakers. Such identification has been fundamental to my main objective, my vision, my purpose and my mission. And I have reinforced this over and over and over again. I have to be honest. I still long to be this. My motives are mixed, glamor as already mentioned, and the desire to be really effective in the world as an instrument of the Higher Self; that part of us that lies within; the part of God in us that pushes us gently but relentlessly once we have reached a certain willingness to undertake the personal change towards ‘egolessness’.
But the ego has clung to me, persecuting me, giving me reasons why I should do this, why I shouldn’t do that. You should be a professional speaker. You should go around the world and be highly acclaimed. ‘You should become a billionaire.’ “You should gain prestige by giving away huge amounts of an even bigger fortune.”
I know that peace of mind, love, and joy lie within, and that a God-given sense of purpose and the ability to carry out that purpose are so much more rewarding, yet the ego wants its way. Even this essay has an ego basis; a search for approval from the Higher Self and any reader who might happen to read it.
The very famous contemporary writer and speaker, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer (a man I greatly admire and would love to emulate) says in his book, The Sacred Self, that in order to serve our Sacred Self (I call it the Sacred Self), Superior) we must have to:
‘Be willing. Keep in mind that our job is simply not to interfere. Relax about the future, let it go. And throw away our goals and live our lives knowing that we are co-creating it.’
Consciously, I am now ‘willing’. But I know that parts of the ego still crave glamour, fame, wealth, power and influence, specialization and importance. The ego still has a lot of strength. Although it is getting weaker. Yes, and the ego doesn’t like it one bit. But to reiterate, consciously, now I am ready.
My job is not to interfere.
Oh how I have interfered. Despite numerous explanations that have made it clear that I need not do anything, I have interfered. In fact, even this essay is a kind of interference. In fact, the Higher Self has been, and continues to be, very patient with me.
‘Relax about the future.’
This is something I still can’t do. I see my mortal body as a ticking clock and I want to “get there” before any more time has elapsed. In a twelve to twelve clock scenario, I see myself around ten at night.
‘Set goals and live your life knowing that you are co-creating it’.
How can I shoot goals?
Well, I have, to a degree. I had a life script, a life plan, specific goals and much more, all written down. In fact, I had worked and achieved many goals, some minor, some major (but of little importance really, as far as my immortal soul was concerned). But at least I had a sense of progress.
But in the ‘big one’, to become a famous international professional public speaker, ‘Inner Management’ (Higher Self?) kept saying “No”. Or so it seems. Although it was not expressed as words, but as a lack of drive and internal commitment. Motivation seemed to drain like electricity from a grounded car battery. Recharge after recharge through a motivational book or an inspirational speech couldn’t do anything, it seemed.
Now, reluctantly, almost without meaning to, I bow to the impulses of the Higher Self. Ego vs. the real self (little ‘s’) and the battle is still raging. ‘Shoot goals…’
Is it wrong to want to serve as a famous public speaker and presenter? Should I completely surrender and say, God, take me as I am and do what you want with me? (With me, little me, or is it the ego that is seeking an ascent to earthly greatness, as well as spiritual bliss?)
In my mind I have already said this: ‘Do with me what you want’. But there has been no joyful surrender on my part (of the little me). It has been given grudgingly; a surrender instead of a joyful embrace of the Divine. My Higher Self knows it. In fact, so does my little self.
Yes, there is a crisis here. And at this moment. It is not one of agony, of conscience examination and decision. But I don’t think it is. But this essay and the clarification of my thinking through an honest presentation of how I feel is having its effect, whatever it may be.
You see, Higher Self. It seems that I no longer know what I am.
When I first wrote what I thought was a wonderful statement: I am a great public speaker, interesting, moving, and most of all, effective, and I use this great gift to alleviate suffering and promote joy for the people of the earth.
I thought this was exactly what was right for me. Over and over again I reinforced those words in one way or another until they became my lifelong obsession. (Hoping, too, that they were also the Holy Mission of my Life, my True Purpose) Because, they came from my heart. Or, at least, as close to my honest desires as I could put into words.
The penny just dropped. I am afraid to give up because I feel that I will become a non-entity; a nobody, and it is importance and approval that I seek. I am afraid of forgetting the ego. This is an ego thing. The ego is hanging by a thread here, desperate.
I hereby fully surrender to the Light of God.
How difficult it has really been for the little me, or is it an ego driven me, to make that statement. I do it here, now, one more time.
I hereby fully surrender to the Light of God. Let’s see what happens now.
