Forgiveness can sometimes seem impossible or even undesirable. Other times, we forgive only to be hurt again and conclude that forgiving was foolish. Both situations arise out of confusion about what forgiveness really means. Forgiveness does not require us to forget or tolerate the actions of another person or the harm caused. In fact, out of self-protection rather than anger, we may decide never to see the person again. Forgiveness does not mean that we justify or minimize the harm caused. Codependents often forgive AND forget, and continue to put themselves in harm’s way. They forgive and then rationalize or minimize their loved one’s abuse or addiction. This is your denial. They can even contribute to it by enabling.
Meaning of forgiveness
“Forgiveness is releasing a prisoner and finding out that the prisoner was you,” Hilary Clinton said. When we hold a grudge, hostility can sabotage our ability to enjoy the present and our future relationships. Constant anger hurts us and actually has negative health consequences. It raises blood pressure, makes digestion difficult, and creates psychological symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, and physical and mental pain.
“Holding anger is poison. It eats you inside. We believe that hate is a weapon that attacks the person who hurt us. But hate is a curved blade. And the damage we do, we do to ourselves.” (Mitch Albom, The five people you meet in heaven)
The opposite occurs with forgiveness, which improves physical and mental functioning. Although forgiveness can mean forgiving, in general, it means letting go of resentment, freeing ourselves from obsessive or recurring negative thoughts. When we “forgive our enemies,” we renounce any desire for revenge, revenge, or for misfortune to come upon them. Empathy and understanding for our offender help us forgive. If we are in a relationship, we try to rebuild trust and we can set limits around our partner’s behavior in the future. Although the past impacts, informs, and shapes us, we can make constructive changes and move forward in peace.
When to forgive
Forgiveness too soon can negate the anger that is needed for change. If we have been deceived, abused or victimized, justified anger affirms our respect for ourselves. You can motivate us to protect ourselves with appropriate limits. It helps us cope with the pain and let it go. It can smooth the progress of separation from an abuser. In divorces, usually at least one of the spouses is angry, which makes the breakup easier.
Initially, it hurts us. If we have been betrayed or rejected, it is natural to feel pain, like a physical injury. We must experience it and cry without judging ourselves. We need time to feel the pain and loss that has happened and to heal. Once we feel safe and have gone through stages of loss, it can be easier to forgive.
Denial can cause us to forgive too soon or block forgiveness altogether. We must never deny, enable or tolerate abuse. Denying that someone is an addict or an abuser encourages us to continually accept broken promises, avoid setting limits, or maintain a toxic relationship. Denying that a loved one is not the ideal we want or imagine only fuels our disappointment and resentment. Accepting that you are a couple or that our parents are flawed, as we all are, can open the door to acceptance and forgiveness.
If forgiveness is withheld for too long, it can prevent the stages of grief from completing and lead to bitterness. Many codependents are uncomfortable feeling or showing anger. Instead, they are preoccupied with resentment and replay negative scripts and events in their minds. Resentment can go away when we allow ourselves to be angry and allow feelings of anger and sadness to flow. They may not even need to express it to the person who hurt us.
How to forgive
It takes conscious reflection, decision, and often prayer to let go and forgive. The following are some suggestions:
- Make sure you get through the stages of grief.
- Realize that forgiveness eases your pain. It is a medicine for you.
- Think about the ways that resentment negatively slows you down and affects your life.
- You are not responsible for someone else’s behavior, only yours. Consider your contribution to the situation. Perhaps you did not communicate your expectations or limits, provoked the person, or denied your ability to hurt them.
- Try to see the behavior and attitude of the person from their point of view in the context of their life experience. He or she intentionally try to hurt you? In other words, develop empathy, but this does not justify the abuse nor does it mean that you should forget that they are capable of repeating it.
- Praying for the other person is effective. “
Self forgiveness
Sometimes we must forgive ourselves before we are ready to forgive someone else. We often blame others when we feel guilty. We can hold onto resentment to avoid accepting responsibility for our actions or to avoid feeling guilty. Although it is important to reflect and take responsibility for our contribution to the problem, we must forgive ourselves for any role we play. It can be more difficult to forgive ourselves than someone else.
Reconciliation
Reconciliation may or may not follow forgiveness. If someone close to us hurt us and we want to maintain the relationship, then reconciliation might require them to take responsibility for their actions, make amends, and agree not to repeat their behavior. If trust was deeply broken by cheating or an affair, couples therapy may be needed to heal. Sometimes the relationship is stronger as a result.
In some cases, we must clearly recognize and believe that the person we care about will not change, that their behavior reflects their hurt self. Letting go of expectations that you act differently can lay the groundwork for acceptance of reality. We can decide to continue the relationship in less intimate terms or with different limits that protect it. For example, you may choose to spend time with an addict only when, or on the condition that you are sober, or to see an abusive person in a safe place, for short visits, and / or with a third person present.
The other person may not be willing to take responsibility for their behavior or forgive us for ours, but forgiveness is for our benefit. The anger of others hurts them and our anger hurts us. Remember that forgiveness increases our integrity and peace of mind. Heal the cracks in our hearts.
© DarleneLancer 2016
