Nothing causes me more anguish and terror than having the lesbian ex-girlfriend argument. It would be wonderful if we could form relationships where there is no past, like a science fiction movie where memory is erased and there is no baggage present.
There is something especially disturbing about lesbians and their past relationships, we tend to have a hard time letting go or moving on. We often repeat past mistakes and question what we have and if it is better than the last experience. Full of doubts and distrust we compare ourselves, we self-sabotage and we get more and more tired.
There are two conundrums when it comes to ex-girlfriends, first of all, you deal with your entire past, whether it’s your ex-girlfriends still in your life or the pain they’ve left behind. Second, his women past and present, I don’t know about anyone else, but I often feel like I’m being punished for his past ghosts.
We all want to be able to keep what is ours no matter the risk and ask our new loves to give up all their past “EVERYTHING”. I am just as guilty, I have to say it is not easy for anyone to go out with me as I have had some really amazing beautiful women in my life and even though it didn’t work out romantically many are still dear friends that I love and cherish. I know that many have suffered knowing this even though I have worked on the battlefield to balance what I needed and how to accommodate myself without losing myself.
I recently realized something I’ve known for a long time but only now accept: you can’t please everyone. You will not make everyone happy, it is an impossible task. It is not where happiness lies, it is the balance within oneself of what we need and want. In my past I was so afraid of hurting others that I kept my relationship a secret and the women who loved me let me. I know this probably made them feel unwanted and inferior, but I thought the love I felt and showed would be enough and I could still keep everyone else happy, but no one wants to be a secret!
As I enter a new relationship, I find myself questioning my ways and closing doors that I have left open for far too long. I look at her and I want her to feel everything I see in her and also know that she is not my little secret that I am proud and in awe of her. I can’t make everyone happy and honestly it’s exhausting and if ex-girlfriends and friends can’t be happy for the steps we take, they are really the people we need in a circle of support.
I have also decided that I can’t be punished and worried about their ghosts. I know that I am not those women, that it is me and that every day I work on what I am and my intentions in this world. A commitment-phobic by nature would use this as an excuse to run, the ex story. I would tell them that I just couldn’t get over his past, nor did I want to face him, which also gave me permission not to become completely vulnerable and do whatever I wanted.
When you love someone, there is no guarantee. All you have is what comes in the package, and if it’s going to work out, you need to accept everything that’s come before you, because after all that’s part of who she is.
In the end, there is no diplomatic way to care for ex-girlfriends, and sadly, it will require letting go of selfish needs and seeking to change core beliefs. I am no stranger to this process and I am still in the early stages of learning. When we choose to remain friends, ex-girlfriends leave very little room for someone new to come in, and perhaps subconsciously we’re not sure how we feel about our current partner. As painful as it is, space is needed to heal wounds and make room for new beginnings. How can we look ahead if our vision is stuck in the rearview mirror? We will continue to crash and burn in our past.
I think there are some ex-girlfriend relationships that can be healthy, but that comes with time and space in our union. There are also relationships that when they come to an end, that’s where they should stay and rest, especially if they were abusive or unhealthy to begin with.
Here are some tips to deal with the EX factor:
- Do not compare your new love with those of the past. It really isn’t fair and doesn’t allow for a good start. Everyone is different and really if you want to know why certain people are attracted to you look at yourself and your parents. You will not find the answer in your partner, but in your own past and understanding of relationships and modeling.
- Do not find yourself in compromising situations. If there are exes that you know are dangerous to you, stay away. We all have that person that when we are close all the walls collapse and we start making excuses to get closer and forget about the most basic of relationship breakups. Know your weaknesses and then adjust to them and keep your new relationship intact.
- Friends are people we can call for support, without inappropriate issues arising. We need to be able to trust friends, and ex-girlfriends often can’t be friends as the agendas are so different from a friend. So basically “Don’t shit where you eat”.
- You can’t fully invest and be present if your energy is directed at past relationships and attempting a friendship with them.
- Talk to your ex, tell him frankly that you are in a new relationship and you need space. Stop running the pussy waiting for the right moment and show respect not only for her needs, but for everyone involved, even if it means a little pain. Bread is not a bad thing; it is just a sign of change and adjustment. You can say, “You’re an amazing person, but I’ve started a new relationship and I’m so happy. I want to give it a fair chance, so I’m going to say goodbye, but I wish you all the best.” Keep it short, to the point and sweet.
- De-friend them on Facebook. Remove the temptation and so you’re not all in their business and they’re not in yours. It sucks, but it’s part of letting go. Don’t worry, both of you will soon make new friends.
- Delete his number from your phone. This is one of the first things I do, because I’m impulsive and I always want a happy ending, but that’s not realistic, so being a good addiction specialist, I remove all the triggers for a relapse in a relationship.
- Regret the loss. You lost someone you loved and a friend. It’s okay to grieve and be sad. Apart from you, he has gone with them and now it’s your turn to say goodbye.
- Stop mentioning the ex. It is part of history and you leave in the present.
- Focus on yourself and what you learned. If we go through all this, we might as well learn something from it and be better for it, not more jaded, right?
New relationships are difficult; they require a lot of work early on after all your two strangers are together and for all the reasons in the universe. Nothing is gone forever and if you want a friendship later on with an ex, leave it in a box to deal with later, but for a while at first focus on your new love and the power that brought you together.
Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru
