Max and Susan had been married for 5 years. They had never been right on Valentine’s Day.
Last year, Max had bought Susan a beautiful diamond necklace in a white gold heart. For Max it represented love. He had a heart, he was beautiful and expensive; moreover, he had chosen it himself. He was completely stunned when she opened it, he said quietly, “Oh, Max”, and looked sad. The necklace was still unworn in her jewelry box, along with all the jewelry he had given her over the years.
Susan had fared no better as a donor. For her Valentine’s Day gift to Max, she’d gotten off work early and made him her favorite comfort foods: meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and apple pie. Max walked in and saw the food on the kitchen table, and his face fell, even when he said, “Thanks, Susan.”
Only after the fact did they get together to talk about what they wanted and expected from the vacation.
Only after Max hinted at it did Susan share that as much as she might recognize a nice piece of jewelry, she rarely wore jewelry (hadn’t he noticed?). She had been hoping for concert tickets, something they had enjoyed together for special events.
When strongly encouraged to share his own feelings, Max explained that as much as he loved the meals she had prepared and appreciated the time she had taken, her Valentine’s Day image always included a fancy restaurant and attentive servers. Why hadn’t she assumed, like him, that they would be dating?
It is funny. We talk all the time about Christmas lists. We never talk about Valentine’s lists. But as we approach Valentine’s Day, we often have hopes and expectations for the occasion. Because it’s the holiday of the romantics, we often also expect our partner to know intuitively how we want the day to be marked or celebrated. Part of the romantic myth is the belief that true love brings the ability to read the mind of the loved one.
Whether or not you’re the romantic in the relationship (it can be a man or a woman), you have an image of what will make Valentine’s Day perfect for you and your partner. Whether it’s breakfast in bed, dinner at a fine restaurant, dinner at home by candlelight, roses sent or received, chocolate or diamonds, or any of a million other possibilities, you have an idea of what would represent a “proper” Valentine’s Day for you. Most likely, you expect your partner to know the image you have in mind.
That means partners across the country are anxious knowing they’re expected to make or break each other. In some cases, they also carry the fear that guessing wrong will be seen as poor or insensitive.
As many of you already know, not all couples are equally romantic. And while it is often the case that women are more romantic than men, this is NOT always the case at all. Being less romantic in spirit doesn’t make you (or your partner) a bad person. However, it does open the door to the possibility or probability that the more romantic partner will be disappointed by the less romantic partner. Two couples can also be equally but differently romantic, experiencing different things as romantic and loving.
I want to make the argument for this year’s Valentine’s Day celebration that love is not about getting it right. Love is about listening to what your partner is saying to you (and has said in the past), working to understand it (and how and why it matters to your partner), and then responding by doing the things that make your partner feel good. loved. , loved and safe.
If you want your partner to know what makes you happy, tell them. Unless you have married a certified psychic, you should not expect perfect intuitive anticipation of her wishes.
If you want your partner to feel loved and appreciated on this very romantic vacation, stop and think about what you’ve been told in the past about what he or she needs, values, and enjoys.
If you don’t tell your partner what you want, you are likely to be disappointed. If you don’t listen to your partner, you are likely to be disappointed.
Here we wish you a happy and successful Valentine’s Day.
