From time to time, I hear from wives whose husband wants to redefine the terms of their marriage after an affair. Many will suggest compromises or changes as an alternative to leaving the marriage. An example of this is husbands who try to convince their wives to have an “open” or “unconventional” marriage instead of breaking up or ending the marriage.
I heard from one wife who said, “My husband had an affair with a co-worker. He came to me and told me not only about the affair but also about his intense feelings for this other woman. I expected him to ask me for a separation or a divorce, but he didn’t. Instead, he told me he’s in love with both of them. He says he doesn’t want to leave his family but, at the same time, he can’t make up his mind when he has these strong feelings for both of them. So he’s proposing that we have an ‘open’ marriage while he continues to see her and be married to me. This is obviously not what I want. But I feel like if I refuse, he will divorce me and go off and be with her anyway.
This is an extremely difficult situation. There were children involved and this was a long-term marriage. But what the husband was asking of this wife was not fair. I will talk more about my opinion on this situation in the next article.
Sometimes a husband suggests an open marriage when he cannot decide between the other woman and his wife: Many husbands will suggest this type of commitment when they don’t know exactly what they want. They think that if they can continue the way they are, eventually an answer will come to them. And since you know about the other woman at this point, the marriage will have to be ‘open’ or else they will continue to cheat. In their minds, this situation can make a lot of sense, especially since they are not thinking very clearly at the time.
The thing is, this situation is terribly unfair on a wife. She can’t meaningfully try to save her marriage when she has to worry about her husband being constantly with the other woman. I know of very few wives who are okay with their husband having a relationship with someone else. And while it’s true that there are some couples who choose to engage in open marriages, most do so openly and early on, not after an affair comes to light.
How to respond when your husband asks for an open marriage after infidelity: Unless that’s okay with you, I suggest you talk fast. Generally, this is not a situation that is healthy for you or your marriage. Your husband might think he’s getting a lot out of this, but frankly, allowing him to have a relationship with both women doesn’t help him make a decision. In any case, he has no incentive to make any kind of decision because he has both relationships at the same time. If this is a situation you don’t want to live with, I’d suggest a script of something like: “no, that’s not going to work for me. A marriage involves two people, not three. And we’re still married. If you’re not sure what you want to do, then that’s another situation. You can let me know when you’ve made up your mind, but I won’t engage in a three-way relationship. Maybe while you’re taking the time to think about what you want, I’ll work on myself and determine what I want. But I’m pretty clear that I don’t want a marriage where my spouse is intimate with others.”
Believe it or not, some husbands will reach out after having this conversation because they realized the harm in pitching the idea to see if you’d agree. Once you see that you’re not having it, you can decide to quit. That said, some spouses will claim they are ending the relationship and then continue behind your back. So you have to be very careful about accountability. Counseling can also be very helpful in this situation.
Many wives share that they are so heartbroken and heartbroken in this situation. They are afraid to give their husband an ultimatum, but they cannot live sharing it with another person. I would say that sharing it with someone else isn’t really holding on to it at all. Frankly, men in this situation are not encouraged to respect their wives because they are practically the ones making all the decisions. And they’re not showing much commitment to the marriage when they’re so willing to devalue it by making it “open.”
In my own situation, allowing my husband to continue the relationship was not something I would have ever tolerated, but everyone is different. If you find yourself in this situation, I suggest you consider what you really want from your marriage. Because you deserve to have your wishes fulfilled as much as he does. And frankly, it’s my opinion that her husband might show him more respect if he enforced those wishes. You have as much right to create your own path as he does.
