I often hear from wives who are seeing things because they are trying to reconnect with their husband and save their marriage after their affair, but their husband is standing up for the other woman. The wife often does not understand how her husband can be so stupid as to look at her wife and defend the woman who is the source of all her problems.
I heard a wife say, “To be honest, I hate that other woman. I mean, I hate her. I think she’s a low-quality bum who set out to take what was mine. I think she’s a liar and a cheat.” She knows my family. She wouldn’t call us friends anymore. But I know her children and her husband. I know how she went behind everyone’s back and persecuted my husband. I know how she lied directly to me. I know how she took advantage of the fact that it was happening. for medical issues that were stressing my marriage while she swooped in like the predator she is, but when I bring this up to my husband, he’ll say I’m making assumptions and I don’t really know much about her, he’ll assure me she’s not a bad guy. person and that he has some redeeming qualities. This infuriates me! Why are you defending his behavior? I have a few theories about this which I will discuss below.
Some reasons why husbands defend the other woman: I absolutely understand why this is making you so angry. It’s easy to hate the other woman. It’s normal to make her the villain. And I don’t think anyone can deny that a woman who takes advantage of another woman’s husband (when she knows he is married and she herself is married) lacks integrity and moral character. But you know what? When you give your husband a whole list of things that are deplorable about her, he often knows that these attributes apply to him as well.
If you say that the other woman was a cunning and evil person who slipped away and took advantage of the wife’s illness, well, all these attributes apply to the husband as well. He also snuck in and used the wife’s medical treatments to meet up with the other woman. So it can be painful for him to hear you tear her apart, when she knows he’s just as guilty.
Also, it’s very common for men to feel a bit defensive about anything to do with the affair (including the other woman). This is because you feel the need to justify your actions. If we define the other woman as a disgusting, conniving, hideous creature undeserving of the time of day, what does this say about her husband and her judgment? What does this say about her decision-making process and impulse control? She doesn’t want to admit these negative things about herself. And admitting the negative things about him means that she has no choice but to admit the negative things about himself.
Many wives worry that the husband’s defense of the other woman may mean that he is still involved and still has feelings for her. Sometimes this is possible and you have to be careful. Many husbands tell me that it is difficult for them to turn off their feelings for the other woman once they find out about the affair. It’s like they suddenly have to hate this person they’ve spent a lot of time with and risked quite a bit for. If they acknowledge how foolish they were to take these risks for someone who had no redeeming qualities at all, then they really do look foolish. And even people with a guilty conscience and fully aware that they are wrong don’t want to appear foolish.
So understand that sometimes your defense of the other woman is a means of self-preservation and your effort to maintain at least some of your self-esteem. It doesn’t always mean that you still have feelings for her and don’t want to save her marriage. It can mean that they hear your criticism of her as criticism of them and the affair, and this can be painful. So they want to avoid it. And part of that is trying to shut up when you talk about her.
How to handle it when your husband keeps defending the other woman: I hope now you can understand why he is defensive. Now, let’s talk about how to handle it. The next time these kinds of conversations come up, you could say something like, “We’re going to have to agree to disagree when it comes to her. I’ll never look down on her, but that doesn’t matter that much.” Because in the future, it’s all about you and me. It’s not about her. In fact, I’d like to stop focusing on her and us.”
This is the best way to go because frankly, it doesn’t matter what kind of person she is in terms of her marriage. What matters is that you heal, move on and one day you will be happy and full again.
