After a relationship dies, the resulting trauma is enormous. Now is the time to shed the heavy attachments of the past and spread your wings. Now is not the time to do no life-altering decisions. Now is the time to reacquaint yourself with your playful and fun-loving side.
Dating can be a way to reexamine your zest for life. However, all dating is not created equal. Some help you make the transition from being “in a relationship” to being “happy, single and free.” Others inhibit it.
A useful decision rule is: Are you celebrating your new discovery? freedom of the attachments of being coupled, or are you feeding your attached files To the past?
Healthy Reasons for Early Dating: Dating to Enjoy Your Freedom from Attachments
Are you dating revive your joy with life? You have been in a gloomy and dark place for some time. Now is a good time to “turn the page” and remember that life can be joyful.
Are you dating restart your interest in the future? Much of her recent life involved living in the past. What your ex did to you, what your ex didn’t do for you. What you could have done differently. How the system screwed you, etc. Now is the time to shift your focus to the future and remind yourself that your future can be great, if you let it.
Are you dating reset your belief in your attractiveness? Divorce is ugly. It implies rejection by both parties eventually. Our feelings of attractiveness and feeling wanted wither away. Dating can restore the feeling that others find you attractive.
Are you dating validation experience? Validation is the most common casualty of divorce. We survived the divorce hurt. Dating can begin to give us back our sense of validation and confirmation.
Are you dating have sex? Sometimes things are simple and direct. Sex with a new partner who wants to be with you can be a pleasurable experience, regardless of the meaning you attach to the act. Having sex for fun is different from having sex as a precursor to a new committed relationship. Now is NOT the time to fantasize about anything long-term.
Are you dating feeling better? We come out of a divorce feeling damaged. Dating someone new can help you restore your confidence and hope for the future, but only if it’s done with shared transparency and a full awareness of what a transitional relationship is.
Are you dating transition from being coupled to being undocked? After a divorce, you face a big transition from being married/partnered to being single/single. Success in this transition requires that you dissolve all attachments to your ex and the life you shared. While early dating alone will not make this transition, dating to exercise your right to enjoy your new life without attachment is certainly good and healthy. This is the intent and role of a Transition Relationship.
Are you dating just because now you can? There is a sense of freedom now that you don’t have a spouse to answer to. Let the wind blow through your hair and enjoy the feeling just for the sake of it.
Self-Destructive Reasons For Early Dating: Dating To Feed Your Attachments To The Past
Other reasons to start dating will slow your recovery from the divorce.
Are you dating make your ex feel bad? mad at your ex Dating someone to show your ex that you’re “doing it right” now that he’s gone believes in the fact that you still want to know that you’re still important enough to your ex that he realizes what you’re up to. In other words, you are just perpetuating the same attachments to your ex that you need to dissolve.
Are you dating feel less? Getting divorced hurts. People think that dating will kill feelings. it doesn’t. It only temporarily covers the bread. But the pain is still there as long as you attach painful feelings to your memories of how life used to be.
Are you dating forget? Forget it. You can’t forget it. Wishing you could change what happened yesterday won’t change what happened yesterday. But that’s okay. You can remember the past without getting attached to it. Your past is there to teach you how to use your future. You can use your past by reaping the wisdom it offers. Their job is to “reframe” memories by replacing the negative feelings associated with them with positive feelings or friendly indifference.
Are you dating to find your next marriage couple? Stop in your tracks! Too soon for this. Your immediate job after getting divorced is to be fully without attaching of all the physical and emotional ties to your ex and the life you shared. There will be plenty of time to begin the search for your next committed relationship. However, now is the time to make the transition from being coupled to being Acouple, including the dissolution of all the painful emotions that you have tied up with going through a divorce.
Are you dating place your friends and relatives? They feel uncomfortable as they don’t know what to say to someone who just got divorced. This is their problem, not yours. Ignore their advice.
Are you dating remember? When you and your ex first met, you probably enjoyed each other’s company. Going on dates to remind yourself that it can be nice to spend time with another person is good. However, if you’re trying to remember or recreate those early days with your ex, you’re still attached to him/her when your current job is to dissolve those attachments.
Are you dating satisfy your parents? Parents worry about their children. They don’t want to see their children suffer. Parents want to fix things so their children don’t suffer. Parents don’t know what to do to “fix” their child’s divorce. So they succumb to the cultural myth: “If my son can find someone new, he’ll be happy.” All of this means that if you start dating, they will no longer feel incompetent in trying to fix your pain. Your job is to take care of yourself, not your parents. Politely ignore them.
Are you dating to compete with your ex or do your ex feeling bad, then those reasons will come back to bite you. Remember, you are divorced. You are no longer in a relationship with your ex. Therefore, what your ex does or does not do is no longer your business. None! This is a harmful path to take. Do not go there.
SWhat is the point?
Remember, your job is not to take care of your parents, relatives or friends. Your job is to take care of yourself, and only yourself. If others shout “hooray!!” or if they “boo and hiss” with their dating options, this is none of your business either.
It all comes down to why you want to start dating again. If you want to start dating to make your friends or family feel better, you are kidding yourself. won’t do your feeling better. Also, if you want to start dating again because you are still attached to some memories of your past life with your ex, good or bad, then you are perpetuating the pain of the divorce and delaying your recovery.
However, if you want to start dating to enjoy your new found freedom from your attachments to your ex and the life you shared (and your attorney tells you that dating right now won’t legally hurt you), then dating is healthy. Enjoy!
