So your daughter takes one step forward in recovery and then two steps back. Why is that? When she eats more than she wants or doesn’t exercise enough or purges, she may feel panicky and anxious. This can happen for multiple reasons.
It will seem to you that you are afraid because you will gain weight. Running backwards is the temptation to make up for what you ate or for not running or purging. She will feel that she has to “undo” what she did until she can feel calm again.
Another possibility of your fear is because you broke the eating disorder rules. What happens in general when we break the rules? It usually brings guilt.
When we have broken a “moral” rule, such as telling a lie about someone, then blame is appropriate. Food in itself is not a moral issue. It is a matter of feeding the body and survival. Rationally there is no reason to blame if you eat.
The problem is that it has made eating and food a moral issue and the rules it has imposed cannot be maintained indefinitely. She can only starve herself, exercise too much, or binge and purge for so long before her body betrays her. Your body can only take so much and then it will break the rules.
Ultimately, she will be overwhelmed with guilt and shame that she let herself down. She wasn’t able to challenge the needs of her body and become her master. Her body’s need for survival wins out and she feels like a failure. She thinks she can’t even be a good anorexic or bulimic, how is she going to do anything else right?
Do you see why she might be afraid to feel all this? How is it easier not to eat or perform her compensatory behaviors because who can deal with so many destructive emotions at once? Let us mention the few of which we have spoken; guilt, shame, failure, weakness, overwhelm and disappointment. So she has learned to avoid these feelings by keeping the eating disorder rules as fully as possible.
The obvious question is how to help her deal with the anxiety and other destructive emotions that come with stepping up. One is to help her realize that this is a normal part of the recovery process. All who recover go through one step forward, two steps back.
The important part for you, the parent, is not to panic and criticize her for backing down. Talk openly with her about the feelings she may experience when she makes progress and plan for it.
Brainstorm with her about things the two of you can do or the family can do when this happens. Not if it happens, but when. Normalize it and encourage her to get over it to the best of your ability.
