Often times, we really want to believe that we love our spouse for who he or she is. We love their personality, their integrity or the way they make us laugh. But if we’re honest, most of us would have to admit that one of the first things that attracted us to our spouse was their appearance. Sure, most of us don’t insist on someone who looks like a model or movie star. But, very few people end up married to someone they cannot find attractive. Your spouse may not look like the person you envisioned when you were much younger (at least mine doesn’t), but most of us come to love our spouse’s appearance. So what happens when those looks change? And should you feel guilty if this matters to you?
A wife might coyly explain: “I feel like a superficial idiot. But lately, my husband’s appearance has bothered me a lot. And none of that is his fault. He has had to take medication due to a medical condition. And this has It made him gain weight. And it gives him a bloated look. The great irony of this is that I’m not a great beauty myself. I used to be very insecure because I thought people always thought we didn’t match. My husband was so handsome and I was average looking. Because of this, I felt like I had this great catch. I felt so lucky. And now my husband is no longer that handsome man. Don’t get me wrong. He is not ugly or unattractive. In fact, now he probably is we are much more evenly matched, which I would think would make me feel more comfortable. But no, I worry about that. I find myself buying clothes that will make my husband look more attractive. I gave him some of these clothes, he asked me if something was wrong in his old clothes and looked hurt. The idea is that I’m usually not someone who cares that much about appearance. I’m certainly not worried about mine. And the personality and integrity of a person is usually much more important to me. I am so disappointed in myself for being so shallow. Why is your appearance so important to me? And how can I stop this? “
I think you are being too hard on yourself. In fact, I receive a lot of correspondence from people who are considering a separation or divorce simply because they are no longer attracted to their spouse. You’re not even getting close to that. You have just noticed that it has changed. And although it bothers you, you don’t seem motivated to act on it.
It is human nature to be attracted to things (and people) that we find attractive. So when that attraction diminishes or changes, it is natural to wonder what this means for our marriage. It is also a fact of life that none of us will look like we did when our spouse first met us. Everybody gets old. They all change. Some of us age better than others. But we hope that our spouse sees what is within us as well as what is on the outside.
I can only tell you my opinion. My take on this has always been that it is okay to expect your spouse to make an effort. I believe that we should all present the best of ourselves to the world. I exercise to stay in shape and take care of my appearance the best I can based on what is realistic considering what I have to work with. I hope my spouse does the same. At the same time, I’m never going to look like Angelina Jolie. I am a woman of a certain age and it is unrealistic to expect me to resemble anything else. I draw the line by injecting things into my face and having unrealistic expectations. There are things you just can’t avoid. And I think, at least for me, that’s really the difference. If there are things about your appearance that your spouse cannot avoid, then there is nothing good that can come of trying to change that or holding that unfortunate fact against you.
A change in appearance due to medication is quite different from a change due to a love of donuts or an aversion to exercise. I think it’s okay to do the best you can with what you have, and that’s probably why you looked for new clothes.
As for why this matters so much to you, I think part of that is the perception that you got the best ending to the deal because you saw your husband so handsome, while feeling like you were more average. (It may have been selling short.) And you may also think that your appearance is a reflection of you and your own worth. But you probably know that for most people, attraction generally changes over time. Physical attraction is only part. You are attracted to the person in you, who you know better than anyone. You appreciate your story and how much you’ve been through together. You appreciate the support and understanding your spouse has given you.
For me, these things are much more important than what you see on the outside. You already know that this or this change would not bother you or confuse you so much. Perhaps as your husband becomes more used to the medication, the changes will go away. But in the meantime, I think it will help if you focus on the inside, on the support and on those things that haven’t changed, maybe his smile, his hands, his broad shoulders. I suspect that not everything has changed. And I also suspect that it will improve. This is new. And an illness brings stress. There is nothing wrong with trying to maximize what you have to work with, but at the same time, you don’t want to hurt your husband, who is already going through a difficult time. It is better to know that you are a loving, close-knit couple than a couple that looks great, but doesn’t have that connection.
