Children who have been abused and neglected often have similar problems when they reach out-of-home care (commonly called foster care).
Here are three problems a foster parent might run into and some possible solutions.
1. Hygiene: The child may not know how to take a bath and brush their teeth. If they are small you can help them. If they are older, I have a suggestion that worked for me. After having an older daughter for several months, she couldn’t understand why she didn’t seem to clean herself even though she was in the bathroom for a long time. One day I had the idea to buy a plastic doll and she and I gave her a bath. I really had no idea how to bathe the baby. Such things we take for granted like lathering up a washcloth, going from head to toe, and drying off were never taught. She did much better after learning how to bathe the doll. Also, I taught him how to give a baby a bath, something he will probably need to do someday.
2. Eating problems, particularly hoarding and binge eating. Keep in mind that foster children often come from homes where food was not available, so crowding and overcrowding may occur. You might find food stashed in your rooms, maybe even food that doesn’t make any sense, like 10 moldy bologna sandwiches under a mattress or food you tossed in the trash.
Another problem is that foster children may never have learned the cycle of the bond of trust in childhood. The bond cycle of trust is the basic marker of learning to trust. The baby is hungry and cries. The caretaker comes to pick him up and feed him. Her needs are met. Babies in abusive and neglectful homes are hungry. They cry. But maybe no one will come. Either someone comes and abuses them or props up a bottle and leaves. This basic lack of confidence leads to eating and personality disorders.
It’s imperative that you have food available for foster children 24/7, but it’s okay to set limits. You don’t want a child to become obese and you don’t want to spend $500 a week on groceries either. There are different thoughts on this. Some people say let them eat whatever they want, but set some limits, like all food must be eaten at the dining room table. Some people say make them a drawer or a cabinet. Some people say only planned meals and snacks.
After trial and error, here’s what worked for me and what I suggest: Plan three meals and two healthy snacks. Tell the child that he is expected to eat at the table. If they don’t like what he’s eating, say they can always have (for example) a peanut butter and jelly or cheese and crackers sandwich. Keep it simple. You don’t have to cook multiple meals. In addition to the menu offered, give the child a basket of their own in the kitchen and place in it snacks that are healthy and that they like, but not necessarily things that the child feels the need to gorge on.
We once had a child who wanted to eat all the time and hoard food. We started with a large basket of goodies in the refrigerator and on the counter. He would eat it all and come back for more. She came to us very skinny but gained 25 pounds in the first month! We eventually learned that if we put applesauce and Cheerios in the basket, she would eat them if she was really hungry, but she wouldn’t if she wasn’t hungry. It was the knowledge that she was always there and that no one else was going to eat him that began to make her trust that there would always be food available. Only then did she stop bingeing.
3. Fear of the dark: The night in an abusive or neglectful home can be terrifying for children. When they come to your house, provide a nightlight or let them sleep with the lights on. Keep the light on in the bedroom. Let them sleep with their clothes on if they want. Girls may want to sleep in a bra. They may want extra blankets or even sleep in their coats. Leave them. Put a CD player in the foster child’s room and depending on the foster child’s age (up to about 12 years old), put on relaxing music and play the same CD every night. They will eventually associate music with safety and sleep. It will take a long time to trust that the night is safe in your home.
Trust is learned, so be trustworthy.
