Sometimes I hear from wives who are very surprised by their husband’s reaction after he is caught having an affair. Many had assumed that if they ever found out her husband was cheating on them, they would be absolutely furious. When this doesn’t happen or if this doesn’t happen, they may be quite confused as to why this happened.
I heard of a wife who said, “My husband came to me and admitted to having an affair. He said he couldn’t live in secret anymore and wanted to tell me before I found out and ended our marriage. He promised to end it.” things with the other woman and he was crying and carrying on. For a while, I sat in silence because I had no idea how to react. I was so shocked that I was speechless. I assumed the anger would come, but so far, it hasn’t. Honestly, I’m a little numb. There is some sadness. And there is definitely some disappointment. But I’m not really mad. At least not yet. Does this mean something? Does my lack of anger mean my marriage is over? Does it mean I don’t love my husband? Does it mean I feel guilty for letting my marriage and myself go?
These questions were really difficult to answer. I have a few theories as to why she may not feel the anger she expected. I will discuss some of them below.
Sometimes anger comes over time: The wife was right to suspect that she was probably surprised. Sometimes, you are so stunned that a strong emotional reaction is not possible because it ends up being delayed. Sometimes things will seem pretty calm and flat and then, seemingly out of nowhere, you’ll suddenly feel the fury you’ve been waiting for all along. And sometimes, this anger comes out when you least expect it. I can remember feeling utter fury at my husband at times when he was actually being sweet and trying to make amends. I remember feeling that I would have loved his behavior if he hadn’t doubted it. Because for a while after the affair, I always wondered if his sweetness was really sincere. And then I would be mad at him for creating the situation. Sometimes recovery brings mixed feelings. In fact, you will be happy in the moment, and then suddenly you will remember the adventure and suddenly you will be angry and disappointed again. This is unfortunate but normal.
Some wives are just numb. And Sometimes This Is A Defense Mechanism: Sometimes I hear from wives who tell me they are just insensitive. They use that they don’t feel much of anything. Sometimes you close yourself off from your feelings because they are hurtful and problematic. Perhaps unconsciously, you worry that if you let your feelings out, they will be painful and overwhelming. Your thoughts may tell you that if you let go, you could end up in a fetal position on the bedroom floor. But if you remain numb, at least you can function. Not only that, but staying numb allows you to feel in control. And when your husband has an affair, you can feel a real loss of control. After all, you didn’t do anything wrong. But as unfair as it is, you may feel that you are now at the mercy of his actions. This can leave you feeling like your life is a mess and out of control through no fault of your own. But, if you can at least control your feelings or keep them in check, this can sometimes feel empowering. The problem, of course, is that if you don’t release your feelings, they will accumulate and grow until they begin to manifest in a negative way.
If you are still involved in your marriage, find constructive ways to release any anger you may have: Many wives suspect that they are not angry because they simply do not care about their husband or their marriage, since he jeopardized those very marriage vows. I suppose this is possible, but I often have my doubts about it. Even if you’re no longer sure of your husband or your marriage, it’s normal (and even healthy) to get angry when someone hurts and betrays you.
That’s why I think journaling can be helpful when you’re worried about your feelings or lack of them. Just write whatever comes to mind, and you’ll often find that eventually it all comes pouring out. And when it does, it’s such a relief.
Many wives ask me if they should try to force their anger or even worry about it. I don’t think it’s healthy to force anything. But I do believe that it is better to be open, still and allow any feeling to come as it wants. Dealing with an affair is hard. You don’t need to evaluate or apologize for anything you feel or don’t feel.
So to answer the question posed, a lack of anger after an affair can mean a few different things, including a need for control, a numbness, or a delayed reaction. But it certainly doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you or that any of this is your fault. And it doesn’t always have implications for your marriage or your ability to save it.
