You can fall for his charming side and be destroyed by his dark side. It can be disconcerting, but it all makes sense when you understand what drives them. That conscience protects you from their games, lies and manipulations.
Narcissists have an impaired or underdeveloped self. They think and function differently from other people. They behave the way they do because of the way their brain is wired, either by nature or by nurture. The severity of narcissism varies. Some people have more symptoms with greater intensity, while other narcissists have fewer, milder symptoms. Therefore, the following discussion may not apply to all narcissists to the same degree.
narcissistic vulnerability
Despite having seemingly strong personalities, narcissists are actually very vulnerable. Psychotherapists consider them “fragile.” They suffer from profound alienation, emptiness, powerlessness, and meaninglessness. Due to their extreme vulnerability, they crave power and must carefully monitor their environment, the people around them, and their feelings. The demonstrations of vulnerable feelings, such as fear, shame or sadness, are intolerable signs of weakness both in themselves and in others. Their defense system, discussed below, protects them but hurts other people. When they feel most insecure, they are most malicious and the impact of their actions is irrelevant.
narcissistic shame
Beneath your facade is toxic shame, which may be unconscious. Shame makes narcissists feel insecure and inadequate, vulnerable feelings that they must deny themselves and others. This is one reason why they cannot accept criticism, responsibility, dissent, or negative feedback, even when the intent is constructive. Instead, they demand unconditional and positive regard from others.
Arrogance
To compensate for their feeling of inferiority, they maintain a superior attitude. They are often arrogant, judgmental, and dismissive of other people, including entire groups they view as inferior, such as immigrants, a racial minority, a lower economic class, or people with less education. Like bullies, they put others down to elevate themselves.
Grandiosity
His hidden shame explains his bragging and self-aggrandizement. They are trying to convince themselves and others that they stand out, that they are exceptionally special and the best, the smartest, the richest, the most attractive and the most talented. This is also the reason why narcissists gravitate towards celebrities and people of high status, schools, organizations and other institutions. Being with the best convinces them that they are better than everyone else, while internally they are not so sure.
Right
Narcissists feel entitled to get what they want from others, regardless of their behavior. Your sense of entitlement masks your inner shame and insecurity. They convince themselves that they are superior and it follows that they deserve special treatment. For example, your time is more valuable than everyone else’s, and you shouldn’t have to stand in line like the masses. There is no limit to what you can expect from others. Interpersonal relationships are a one-way street, because other people are considered inferior and not separate from them (see below). They don’t recognize their behavior as hypocritical, because they feel superior and special. The rules for other people do not apply to them.
Lack of empathy
The narcissists’ ability to respond emotionally and express appropriate care and concern is significantly impaired. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissists lack empathy and are “unwilling to acknowledge or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” (APA, 2013) Research shows that they have structural abnormalities in brain regions associated with emotional empathy.
They may claim that they love you, but you have to determine if you feel loved by the way they treat you. Real love requires empathy, compassion, and a deep understanding of the person we care for. We show an active concern for the life and growth of that person. We try to understand your experience and world view, even though it may differ from ours. If you haven’t experienced such genuine love or if it was mixed with abuse, you may not appreciate true love or expect to be treated better.
Without empathy, narcissists can be selfish, hurtful, and cold when it doesn’t serve them to be charming or cooperative. For them relationships are transactional. Instead of responding to feelings, they are interested in getting their needs met, sometimes even if it means exploiting others, cheating, lying, or breaking the law. Although they may feel excitement and passion in the early stages of a relationship, this is not love, but lust. They are known for their way of playing. Sacrificing yourself for a loved one is not in your playbook. Their lack of empathy also habituates them to the pain they cause others, while their cognitive and emotional intelligence gives them an advantage and they exploit others to meet their needs.
Empty
Narcissists lack a positive emotional connection to themselves, making it difficult for them to emotionally connect with others. Their underdeveloped selves and deficient internal resources force them to depend on others for validation. More than trust, they actually fear being undesirable. They can only admire themselves reflected in the eyes of others. Therefore, despite their boasting and self-adulation, they crave constant attention and admiration. Because their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, they try to control what others think in order to feel better about themselves. They use relationships to better themselves and for their narcissistic supply. However, due to their inner emptiness, they are never satisfied. Anything you do for them is never enough to fill their void. Like vampires who are dead inside, narcissists explode and drain those around them.
lake of limits
The mythological Narcissus fell in love with his own image, reflected in a puddle of water. At first, he didn’t realize it was himself. This metaphorically describes narcissists. The inner emptiness, shame, and underdeveloped self of narcissists make them unsure of their limits. They do not experience other people as separate individuals, but as two-dimensional extensions of themselves, without feelings, as narcissists cannot empathize. Other people only exist to satisfy your needs. This explains why narcissists are selfish and don’t realize their impact on others, even when they are cruel.
narcissistic defenses
It is the defense mechanisms used by narcissists to protect their vulnerability that make relationships with narcissists so difficult. Common defenses they use are arrogance and contempt, denial, projection, aggression, and envy.
arrogance and contempt
These defenses inflate a narcissist’s ego with an air of superiority to guard against unconscious feelings of inadequacy. It also changes shame by projecting inferiority onto others.
Denial
Denial distorts reality so that a narcissist can live in an inflated bubble of their own fantasy world to protect their fragile ego. They distort, rationalize, twist the facts, and delude themselves to avoid anything that might cause a crack in their armor, which is so thick that, for some narcissists, no amount of evidence or argument can get through.
projection and guilt
This defense allows repudiating unacceptable feelings, thoughts or qualities and mentally or verbally attributing them to another person. Guilt changes responsibility, so the narcissist is not at fault. This defense fulfills the same function as denial. Projection is an unconscious process, whereby a narcissist does not have to experience anything negative in himself, but sees it as something external. Those traits are projected onto another person or onto a group of people. You become the selfish, weak, unpleasant, or useless one. Projection is very maddening and damaging to the self-esteem of those close to a narcissist, especially children.
Assault
Aggression is used to create security by driving people away. Narcissists see the world as hostile and threatening, and they move against people aggressively, both in words and behavior. This can lead to narcissistic abuse. Vengeful narcissists retaliate to reverse feelings of humiliation and restore their pride by defeating their abuser.
To envy
Narcissists must be the best. They cannot enjoy someone else’s success. If someone else has what he wants, he feels inferior. Life is a zero sum game. Competitive narcissists don’t just envy people who have what they want; they may react vindictively to take them down, especially if they feel threatened. Narcissists are often envious and competitive with their children.
Understanding who you are dealing with is very helpful, but finding out what you can do is more important. If you love a narcissist, the exercises and strategies in Dealing with a Narcissist can be helpful and give you clarity on how to meet your needs and how to assess whether to stay in the relationship. Email me if you would like to join my mailing list and receive a “Narcissistic Behaviors Checklist”.
©DarleneLancer 2019
